Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Surpassing Milestones And Overcoming My Own Standards

I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll start with the fact that I finished. I finished something I never imagined I could do. I left a whole lot of baggage physically and emotionally on the course today. I broke down twice, prayed a whole lot, met new friends and bonded with the two most amazing triathletes who helped me and encouraged me from the beginning. 

I made it through a little less than half a mile swimming toward rocky waves and managed not to be the last one out. Transition was slower than I would have liked but I got to the bike and finished 6 miles instead of my hoped-for 12. I ran a 15 minute mile and finished with 2 miles of the 3 miles I'll have to go which is MORE than I thought I could do even yesterday.

I cried twice because of the mental determination I had and also because of the debilitating fears I hope to overcome. The ones that have led me here on this journey. Of lost hopes and dreams of a child I held and had to let go, of blame and anger which led to more fear and anger. It all just came to a standstill on the road running. Overcoming standards. MY standards! Pushing past the emotional pain which I hold more than any physical scars I could endure.

Still through it all, I had my and old, by my side while my husband and Little Bear cheered me on, left and cheered me through the door again.

Guilt, shame, fear, failure, lost dreams. They are not what builds the strength to overcome victoriously! God holds no prison with which to keep us. Rather, He builds us up with a new sense of HOPE. With His strength we gain courage. Setting the baggage aside is giving me a whole new life. One that I hope will flourish and become a new way of life for my marriage and our daughter.

Today has been a hard day physically and emotionally, but I did it! I conquered the unknown, left the emotional pain behind and am hopeful for a better future.

Thank you to my coach Jamie for believing in me and opening your heart and expertise to someone you never met that day you saw my post. Thank you to Lance and his wife for what you've done for me, Farah from Syracuse Woman's Magazine and her mom for the blessing you've been, for Kellie and Joslyn for being present with me today...for pushing me and encouraging me. For redirecting my fears and anxieties. Thank you to the slew of athletes who have blessed my life with your friendships, your wisdom and resources. Bless you all for the kind hearts you have!

To the family who supports me everyday and to my friend Patti for praying with me and for talking with me when all I wanted to do was die from the heartache and pain. For standing on Gods word for our Little Bear who is our rainbow baby. To Deanna who shares a similar heartache. I can't imagine my life without you. This journey would have been SO DIFFERENT. I wouldn't have met any of these people without Gods hand over our friendship. 

Finally to the husband Doug with whom God hand-picked to be mine. Nobody would have stood the obstacles we've had together. I'm not even sure anyone would have stuck with me for the attitudes I've had. You love me. ALL of me! You are loving, thoughtful, compassionate, patient, kind, gentle, encouraging and supportive. You allow me this time so I can be who God made me to be. So I can be there for the two of you! Thank you so much!

It sounds like an award right now, I'm just on an emotional high. A year ago, I had my will typed up and thought I was heading toward death. Today I'm feeling great and facing with the things I couldn't change so that I could LIVE without fear.

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