When Falling Prey To Temptation...

Another tough week.  I was tested like crazy with certain aspects my daily life.  If I'm being honest, I have to say that I had succumbed to temptation last night. I felt frustrated from the week mentally, Little Bear hasn't been sleeping well, she's been up and down with her moods too. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back so to say. She was clingy, vomited all over her bed, refused to sleep and even after rocking her until 1am I ended up back up with her in the wee hours of the morning.  This week was unbearable for me emotionally.  I got pissed and had no problem reverting back to old eating habits.

All this hard work and it took one evening of temptation to put me back to square one with calories, fat and food issues.  Not only did I order fast food, I ordered the largest size (though I drank it down with water instead of soda).  A big fat double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.  I topped it off with an ice cream sundae with extra fudge and extra nuts.

That was my WHOLE day's calories and probably a whole weeks worth of fat. ((sigh)).  Granted, opting for water instead of soda was a plus but neither the meat, cheese nor the fried potatoes were a good source of nourishment. It's all dead. Nothing I ate was from a living plant. It wasn't whole-food and worst of all, it did NOT make my problems go away.  It also didn't make me feel any better.

Here's the thing though.  while I consider this a temporary setback, it is the first time I've gone back to this since December of 2013.  It could be much worse at the moment AND I'm pretty impressed with my how long I've resisted temptation like this.

Here's what I've learned from this week:

When dealing with issues with the "unknown" or where I don't feel in control, I get anxious, stressed and I am NOT pleasant to be around! My coach and I butt heads this week because I needed more communication and he was testing my boundaries to see what I would do and how much I would accomplish. It was a mental challenge having to do with exercise but also pointed to the shyer side of me which likes to stay in a corner and wait for proper orders.

Here is a little blurb I wrote and think I should post it here:

Before I lost my son, I was told a million different reasons as to why I was feeling the way I was feeling. What I felt my body doing and what professional medical staff told me I was dealing with were two different things. 4 weeks later, our son was born and 25 minutes later he was gone. 24 hours prior to that I was told nothing could be done and the next morning the head of the department called me in quickly to try to save him with measures that should have been done in the first place by the Dr. who sent me home the night before.
I gave birth to our son, my husband cut the cord even when we new the inevitable would happen. We kissed our son as he held my finger, we both held him and he went home to be with Jesus 25 minutes later. I walked out of the hospital without my child while most of the other women who went through the same process, were leaving WITH theirs.
All this to say, I am NOT good with not knowing what is going to happen. Not only is it an emotional aspect, but it's like going into the water feeling like your going to drown.

Second, I've heard from several plant-based folks that it's okay to have setbacks.  What WILL however, continue a downward spiral is the inability to move forward after having said setbacks.  In other words. If you have a bad day or bad week with eating healthy or exercising, use tomorrow as your clean slate. I plan to do that VERY thing!  I screwed up.  It's okay. When I look in the mirror I am NOT going to be that person who puts herself down EVER again.  I'm going to say, "okay. It was a setback but here is what I plan to do.  You WILL make your goal. You WILL make this a lifestyle and not just a temporary diet. That's why your doing this!

Finally.  I haven't always been good with making a menu for the week.  Lets face it folks.  When you have an active toddler or you wear many hats, it's hard to plan a menu and stick to it.  For me, it's hard to find the prep time and lately even harder to find new menu items.  It's why I cannot WAIT for spring and summer to get here. I'm more of a raw foodist at heart. Veggie Salads, Smoothies, Grilled fruit and veggies as well as lots of fresh picked items from our garden will be a heck of a lot easier than coming up with warm meals every day of the week.

So there you have it!  If I don't get honest, then who will I be cheating here?  Me!  My hope is that someone will see this who is going through the same thing or will be, and be able to take this experience to gain strength in their own journey.  Don't Quit! If you make a mistake, don't quit!

Train Your Brain!

 "The space in this post won't allow me to tell you everything on my heart I have about this phrase, but I want to encourage you today--your MIND is where it all starts folks. If you just start attacking your area of struggle without first changing your heart, then allowing it to hit your head, then it's just behavior modification and will not last long.

Check it- you have to TRAIN your mind. TRAIN it. It will not just "happen". You should be ingesting TRUTH regularly so that you may be able to discern when the battle is there and then proceed accordingly. I'll list a few scriptures for you to "chew" on below...You will have a battle today for the mind. Will you take it captive to Truth or allow the enemy to plant himself there?"  Peak313 Fitness  

This fits for today. I'm struggling with something that's hard to put in the past. I get angry, I push people away, I refuse to let people in and at times, when you see a smile or hear a laugh, on the inside I feel like I'm drowning. It's a part of this process. The journey I chose to take so that I can live a more freeing life pleasing to the Lord where I can just stop trying to control things. Stop needing to know everything and stop blaming people for the sadness I hold in (a lot of that blame is toward myself).

I was perfectly happy dealing with the physical aspect of this, but try to push me out of this particular comfort zone, and you'll see a whole new side of me. 

It's not a pleasant side, in fact, the person I've become because of fear, anxiety and anger from an event I couldn't control has caused me to have a little bit of PTSD. Up until this post, there have only been a small handful of people who knew this. A husband who has supported me and put up with it because he loves me. A husband who has now been pushing me along with my coach, to get out of the box. Who also allows me the space to make that decision which will change my life not just temporarily, but for good. 

I am trying, eventually I will succeed by standing on Gods promises to give me courage. In the meantime, I'm trudging ahead like with everything else. When I'm weak, I know that in God there is strength.

The Grief That Brought Me To The New Journey And The Family That Inadvertently Became My Own.

Oh how I weep when I hear of another mother who has lost her child. I know that grief. It is a pain that while we each go through different circumstances, becomes a similar way to cope. It is weeping and wailing through the quiet hours. An inability to remember the fuzziness of the day it happened. Though we heal and courageously move toward our children in heaven, we mask our days with smiles. We remember our children daily, hourly as the clock keeps ticking. We shed more tears, ponder who our children were and who they could have been had things been different. We grasp at the things that keep us going and try to LIVE for those who are still here. While people think our broken-hearts have fully healed, it is US who asks for Gods mercy to get through our days. The pain becomes dull but is still there deep within. Those of us who’ve lost a child (no matter the age), we become sisters.

As our broken hearts start to heal just a little, we find newfound strength that we couldn’t bare to know in those early hours that went by and by. Some of us put faith in a Greater God who was the only one to pick us up at a time we could not stand. Today we move. We just move. LIFE becomes more precious and thus, we do not take it for granted. It is why even “I” have taken on a new journey of my own. To step out of fear, grief, discomfort and choose life for those who need me most. I DO however, have these moments when I grieve WITH my sisters.

Today is one of those days. Sadly, I have MANY sisters who are on facebook & nearby physically who have felt this pain. My prayer will always be for God to strengthen them, heal their heavy spirits, wipe every tear from their eyes and build them back up again into a new kind of whole. Not one which will replace those memories or the precious ones we’ve let go. But one with which we can move FORWARD knowing they are not behind us. We’re not leaving them, but are walking toward them. Reminders that they are walking in the garden with Jesus at HOME waiting for US to finish our journey. Today, I weep with friends for our classmate and sister and for her beautiful son Jack. Tomorrow I continue to fight through my own journey which brought me here. To God be the glory!