I spent the last 24 hours in a war with my mind. I got 2 hours sleep because my mind wouldn't stop wandering about todays workout. Could I REALLY finish it? Each training session has gotten slightly harder and after the other day's workout on the treadmill I was just emotionally drained and felt defeated.
My husband has spent much of our marriage encouraging me. What really frustrates me is that I push his words aside like they don't matter. Not on purpose of course, but in my head "I'm not good enough". So when he tells me that I AM, I'm basically brushing it aside and calling him a liar. I can't even imagine how this must feel to him.
When I finished todays workout, I felt self satisfaction. What frustrated me a little in the beginning (and it was for good reason), was my coach would leave me for several minutes at a time to myself. I didn't really grasp it until today. When I race, nobody is going to be there WITH me to push me ahead. My coach won't be behind me to shout me to move on, my husband won't be there to kindly encourage me only to hear me push his kindness to the side. It's just going to be me, my legs, the water, a bike and other athletes surrounding me at their own pace.
Today I fully understood his method. He never leaves me for too long. In fact, when he knows I'm struggling to make the last few moments or a particular climb, he's there. He talks me through it and redirects my focus. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. He lets ME do the work, to care enough about MYSELF to engage in a different thought process and focus. He's there when I need him though and won't let me fail. It's teaching me self discipline. Something that I need so bad. Something that will help me to lean on my own strength and courage instead of constantly leaning on my husband to do it all or anyone else for that matter, because of chronic fear. It's reshaping me to be a stronger...ME!
At the end of my training session I asked if we could go over my results to compare workouts. Each workout was a different kind so it's like comparing apples to oranges however, we noticed a difference from last time. We noticed quite the increase in endurance and "I" pushed myself increasing my weight to power ratio. Seeing the results made me happy! I kept saying, "I know I'm not ready to race yet" and turned to hear coach say, "Bek, you have to BUILD UP to it. This is not going to happen overnight". Have I mentioned how Amazing and generally compassionate my coach is? He's tough, but he really is the greatest!
I shared those last sentiments with my husband to hear a HUGE hurray from my husband to my coach. He's been telling me this for quite a while now. Which leads me to my final thought...I think it's time to let go of this baggage I'm holding onto. It really isn't healthy. My husband loves me. He's patient, kind, gentle and puts up with more than any man would. I AM however, glad to God for this lifestyle change. Maybe letting go of the baggage will help me to accept my husbands word and trust the man God hand-picked to be the love of my life forever. He deserves all the love and respect I can give him.
Blessings Everyone!
No comments:
Post a Comment