Sunday, February 2, 2014

Here we go...

Very Tough Day.  I don't deal with stress very well. It's gotten worse since our preterm loss in 09' where I believe I have some kind of post traumatic stress issue but have never officially been diagnosed.  I thought I'd write it out so that I can deal with it.  Here is what happened today:

"Woke up feeling well rested to almost slip walking out the door. Grabbed salt at home depot to find all the packages filthy with holes in them, ordered a salad that came FILLED with bacon (though I didn't read the fine print). A day where little bear was just NOT playing cooperative. One where 3 out of the 4 cart seat belts wouldn't work and a 30-something idiot behind us at Barnes and Noble who huffed and puffed LOUDLY behind me because he was annoyed by how slow I was making him. A day where we call our favorite vegan takeout to find their kiddie menu no longer had healthy food for little bear but chicken nuggets and fries. One where daddy can't walk anywhere without someone being attached to his back end. This was a day my flesh wanted to stick a certain finger and tell the world a thing or two...INSTEAD I look to Anne Of Green Gables to say, "tomorrow is a NEW day with no mistakes". Lord have mercy!"

Lets just say the salad with the bacon gave me an excuse to just eat my feelings tonight. I had eggplant parm and half a cannoli for the super bowl. Now I know this isn't the end of the world, but not only am I feeling sick (when you don't eat meat, dairy or cheese for awhile there are certain enzymes that lack. When you start eating those foods again, you feel AWFUL), I am also feeling guilty and to be honest not so very soothed.

The good news out of this deal is that I'm AWARE that eating my feelings didn't do a darn thing to help tonight. Which means that my feelings weren't soothed by food. THAT is excellent news. I still feel like crud physically, but emotionally I'm really feeling depressed (I also deal with season disorder due to the longer, darker winters). The only other alternative here is to find another coping mechanism during stress, anxiety and sadness.  

If you look at the stressors I've had, they are tiny realistically. Oh, I've had my share of "valleys and hills" to climb no doubt about that. Todays worries are just not that bad though. I should be praising God for today! Not just today but everyday! Wouldn't everyone like to have a rough day like mine today and NEVER have to go through the traumatic days that some have. Sickness, disease, poverty, lack of food, children who are orphaned, families that are separated from each other, loss of loved ones. The list goes on and on.

Luckily "Tomorrow IS a new day with no mistakes"! I'm able to start the day fresh knowing that a new perspective will either help me get to my goal over time OR my negative attitude will keep me from ever achieving anything worth while. It's ultimately MY decision.

I share this right now, because these ups and downs may help someone else. Nothing is ever perfect. There will be good days and there will be some rough ones. While I'm frustrated with what seems to be everything around me today. I'm ultimately frustrated with the setback that these extra calories and fat did for me TODAY. They were a different kind of empty calories. They didn't "fix" the problem.

Here's where things start to get better though...God has blessed me with a new friend and instructor. She is my yoga instructor who has offered to help me not just learn how to stretch but to new breathing techniques so that I can take these moments of stress, anxiety and sadness and BREATHE through them. Ultimately focusing on Gods plan for me:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1Peter 5:6-7

And finally my FAVORITE verse:

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."  Matthew 11:28-30

I am learning to STAND on God's promises.  Learning how to BREATHE and meditate on Gods words will be an AMAZING coping skill to cast my cares on Him.  I am looking forward to what yoga can do physically but more importantly to incorportate it WITH my faith in God instead of using food to cope and wallow in self pity. Changing Physically is NOT my only agenda. I'm looking to get emotionally healthy, financially healthy and most importantly spiritually healthy.  I really feel a transformation coming and I'm praising God for each little step I take to overcome. 

Tomorrow 45 minute power walk with treadmill on incline of 4.5 to 5. Possibly at the Gym. Depends on how long they allowed people on it.

Tues c25k as usual here at home.

I need to touch base with coach after Mondays power walk.

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